Re-re-re-restart

I haven't written on this for a while but as of late I've only written on it when I'm wanting to change my life. So here I go again doing my quarterly life evaluation...

While living in LA I had a lot of issues. Funny enough, those issues taught me a lot about what I want and I don't want in life. One of them being roommates. I love people. People are great. But I find that no matter how open-minded a person thinks they are when you go into their space they are the the T-cell and you are the virus (conscious or subconscious). So I gave up all prospects of roommating and got me a studio after heading to Kansas City. One of the few things I did right in this world.

I also learned that I want to be around nature AND the city all at once. Don't ask me how this works but somehow I will make it work. I love cities and crowds and all that stinky, overly romanticized stuff. NY, LA, Paris, KCMO (though I call KC a big town since the place has a ridiculous amount of townies); I love the benefits of having stores and multiple bars and clubs within a short distance. I love that I can go somewhere and be a stranger and there isn't the drama of what so-and-so said back in high school or at work or at the last event.

And finally (but not quite lastly) I've learned that I hate paying rent and having a full time job. I dove into the workforce fairly young for my generation. My high school (go Montclair!) required a certain amount of hours of community service before I could graduate. They even had a Youth Employment Service (YES) office. Consequently, I decided to surround myself with my love of books at the public library when I was 13. I volunteered there for a while and then I got a job as a camp counselor for a Christian camp at 15. After that I worked as a short order cook at a tex-mex place (before Chipotle sucked up the world) at 17 and the rest is "futury". Since the moment I signed my soul away with that tex-mex job application I unwittingly put myself on the conveyor belt to mental hell.  The hamster wheel ominously creaked as it powered to life via my own kinetic energy. Funny enough, I enjoyed it at first. Just going and going and learning and learning like a giant furry sponge. But then one day I found myself completely overworked, bitter, financially broke and looking for a way to stop the wheel. In hindsight, I think my urge to cut ties and stay in Europe was a desperate cry for help.

So I left for Europe. And four months later when I came back to the U.S. and got a job in L.A. I enjoyed the little moments with friends and strangers but I stepped on the that wheel again. Why? Because all rural the skills I learned in France weren't going to be useful for living with my uncle and his girlfriend in a small apartment in Sherman Oaks. So I hopped on and I ran and ran and ran. I even fooled myself for a while thinking I'd move up in the company and be successful and etc. etc.

This is a note I wrote to myself while living in L.A. I found it in one of my note books fairly recently. I put it on my wall so I'll remember:


"Who do I want to be?

I'm a 27 year old. I owe everyone money. I sublet Misty's place. Most of my clothes don't match. I have $60 that will come out of my account to pay a phone bill. So I have nothing. I haven't been to the doctor in forever. I have crooked glasses, talk a lot and no prospects of a boyfriend. Pedestrian.

I want to have an emergency fund. I want to be an active member of a church community. I want to be classy and dignified. I want to think b4 I speak. A nice (though small) wardrobe. I want a license and a vehicle (moped cool)."

In short. I was unhappy with myself. I wanted to change. But what kind of change would make me happy? Based off the few leads I had about what makes me happy I sold my stuff (again) and left for a farming apprenticeship in Osceola, Missouri and then got booted off to an urban farm in Kansas City, MO. So this is what I learned about what I want and don't want while living 'round these parts:

Many times working for people is much like having a roommate. Except you actually VOLUNTEER to be used.

Unless you have none or hate your family, working at jobs that requires you to work on all holidays is foolish.

Rent is stupid, subjective and varies pretty much all over the country while wage sometimes remains the same.

Being married, with kids, living in a house isn't always an option. And sometimes it's not even the better option. Working one full time job with salary isn't always the best option, either. Everyone will have their own dream and what the "American Dream" is shouldn't get in the way of that. I mean look at Carrie Bradshaw. =op

So....that's where I'm at right now. The question I've been asking myself as of late is "Why?" Why do I need ONE job in ONE field working a billion hours a week? Why can't I do a bunch of things that are fun and keep me interested, that I can do where ever I go on the planet and enjoy life and see my family  whenever I want? I think one of the biggest problems society has is that it puts restrictions on itself for the sake of expectations and safety. Why do we have to have ONE place to live? Why do we HAVE to go to school? Why do I HAVE to have a whole lotta money? Why do we HAVE to wait until we are old incapable farts to retire? Why do we HAVE to buy my food from the grocery store?  Why do I HAVE to buy something with credit? The answer is...we don't. We just do it because we were raised to believe it would give us happiness. Even as kids we were raised not to question, I'm sure even the most "free-thinking" parents have used something similar "because I said so".

I'm a firm believer in evolution (for all you ig'nant people out there, yes a LOT of Christians believe in evolution). And we can't evolve unless we doing crazy things (Seal, anyone?). So here I am on the precipice of something with a million choices...so what do I do?

-O.T.