Stagnant

"We're gonna die like this, miserable and old." -Taking Back Sunday

I can feel the depression and cabin fever setting in like a slow chemical. What motivates us to do anything in life? What keeps us going? Why do we stick with misery? Is it for the greater good? I can see how people die for their religions. To me, that is the misery that it worth it. It means that you are suffering for some ultimate cosmic cause. Work life is a tad bit different. Why am I here?

Is life a test to see whether or not you can live by a particular formula leading to success? I'd like to think not. If that is the case, why am I still here? What am I waiting for? These are the thoughts that consume my mind while I wait to graduate from my college in December. Yes, it is the smart thing to do but what happens if I die before December? I know that in the end I won't care while in heaven but sometimes I can't help but live based on the bodily emotions I CURRENTLY carry. I don't want to die with nothing but a dream and a job in a crowded apartment, in Newark. Does every successful person think this when they hit rock bottom?

When do we begin to live? I know we have a tendency of waiting for something to happen. We get so caught up in the wait or goal that we forget to live, right now. After you finally achieve that goal we look back and say "what the heck have I been doing for these past *insert number* years?" I don't want to be caught in that but I don't want to accelerate so quickly that when I crash and burn, the other cars pass me by.

I recently went to a comedy show in New York. One of the comedians mentioned a theory that, for a few years, I said I would apply if I ever became homeless. He said that he doesn't understand why homeless people stick around places like New York where it gets cold in the winter. If you are homeless, why not trek to Florida? It's not like you have anything better to do...you're homeless. You have all the time in the world.

Not to be ignorant but only in that sense I admire the homeless because they have nothing to hold them back. I don't want anything to hold me back from living. I don't want to be on my dying bed and look back and say I stayed stagnant. When is stagnancy a good investment? I guess we'll find out in December.

-O.T.